Young adult children not dating


#21

My only concern would be for a guy who dosn't have time or interst having both male and female friends. Regardless of vocation, a person should be well rounded. As other posters have mentioned its a very logical, testosterone laden environment.

I think this contributes to alot of problems as the "good Catholic guys" often seek out ways to save the world or are into super-duper "geek" professions. Young adult's lives have an impact on teens and affect how others view society.

For instance. Daily Mass. For the first time in 6 years I saw a unmarried/not seminarian guy between the age of 18-30. It was the FIRST TIME EVER!!!! I'd gone to a Catholic uni but at Daily Mass there were female students, the more serious seminarians (male), a couple married guys, and then staff & faculity. I went to a church that had many young people but only female teens and older people attended Mass. I go to Daily Mass often at many different parishes and its often dominated by old women, a few older males and then perhaps 2 or 3 young women (like myself). In all honesty he's probably one of the first males I've seen under 50 going to Daily Mass.

I was thinking about what commentary this makes about the church. That so many praise & worship events, so many times of Adoration, so many CCD lessons and so often Mass is dominated by women. Guys tend to like activism, voulenteering and things like that, and I've come to discover that there are wonderful Catholic guys do exist. And I wonder why if a woman can be involved in activism & voulenteering (where it seems more 50/50) why can't a guy go to p&w or teach a CCD or go to Daily Mass?

I think these are the questions you should ask your son...and lead him to be involved with more female dominated things...not so he dates but simply so he has the skills and the oppurtunity when he's ready.


#22

[quote="VonDerTann, post:13, topic:180642"]
Sorry to disagree with some, but I can understand the OP. I also respectfully but more strongly disagree with the notion that "Mom should mind her own business." In other words, I thing you're all wrong! Sorry for a long post.

I write this as a married guy, a parent, and a former single guy.

One aspect of parenting that IMHO is sorely overlooked is the skill of teaching our children to find quality mates as they get to the "age when that is expected." Let me respectfully note the following:

  1. While true that "some are called to religious life," such calling should be explained in the context of what's right for the person. In other words -- if you want to become a priest, fine, but do so because you are called to that, not b/c you can;t find a wife and "fall into" a vocation. Failing to find a spouse does not mean you are called to a vocation.

  2. Finding a spouse is a lost art form. Society, friends, etc., often value the wrong things. Ever read a personal ad? Many say the same things, i.e., "I like long walks on the beach, I'm looking for someone funny," etc. Aren't we all? Instead, what is really important is finding a person who is dedicated; devoted to one's family; kind; industrious, etc., i.e., not a layabout, a spendthrift, etc. .

  3. As we go through teens, 20s, etc., we are expected to learn how to interact with others of the opposite gender; learn the differences between men & women, etc. That's part of growing up. IMHO, learning how to interact with the opposite gender is part of maturing, to the point where we can be prepared for relationships and eventually marriage....or at least, healthy relationships with other people.

  4. That said, there is a "range of reasonableness" for learning these things. It's normal to hit adolescence and start to like the opposite gender....so, in high school, we have proms, etc....because those events are "normal," and part of the process of learning how to interact with others, ask someone out, etc. However, it's not really "normal" to be 45 & have never learned to interact with a person of the opposite gender, such that you can ask someone out for coffee. If you don't want to, once again, fine -- but you should be able to, and know how to, if you DO want to, long before you're 45....because learning how to is part of being a healthy person

Now to the OP: It's probably OK IMHO that son isn't "into women." I wasn't really either at 23! But what Mom also notices is that sonny's life is too testosterone laden. Once again, there's a place for that...but life is more than testosterone. Mom seems to be saying, "he's going way overboard, is this normal?" Everyone is saying, "yes." I counter with, "if mom needs to ask, maybe he is going a bit overboard," and maybe he needs a bit of well-rounding...

...because, like I said above, if he doesn't learn that well-rounding at 23, he may not have it at 33 when he wants to settle down and he is "competing" with guys who know how to ask a lady to go have coffee after church, and he doesn't.

Finally, as to the notion that "God will send someone to us when it's right, etc.," I respond, "it sure helps if we look around for that someone!" There are lots of 45 year olds who are still waiting for Mr./Ms Right, but may not find that person, either because of unreasonable expectations, or because they really never learned "dating 101," etc. - and those things need to be taught by parents, not by friends, society, trashy magazines, etc.

Anyway, I've said my peace. For OP: I respectfully suggest that you gently tell your son, "while you change the world's monetary policy, how about an art museum someday, or music at the local bookstore...or even a Catholic singles function..." (My parents pulled that one on me. I fought going....and then a tall blonde picked me up. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in not too long...).

[/quote]

I have read a lot of posts on this forum for a long time now and I must say this one is one of the best. I think you provided some outstanding insight. I agree with everything stated above... some of which I have either experienced in the past, am going through now, or have seen others deal with in their relationships.


#23

[quote="TraderTif, post:18, topic:180642"]
Gee......and I thought my mom was the only one who worried about this sort of thing. :D

I'm 28, and never been on a date. (Although, I did just recently meet the most amazing guy right here on the CAF, who asked me on a date......so perhaps that will change soon.) :p

But, anyway, yeah, my mom seems to worry about this constantly. And by "worry", I mean she would constantly find ways to hand me advertisements for Catholic singles websites, or give me books about Catholic courtship, etc., etc., etc. Very annoying!! :rolleyes:

I don't think it's anything to worry about. What's more important is the reason behind not dating (if there is one). In my case, I have severe health problems, which really interrupted my life. I suspect my mom is worried that I don't know how to interact with guys, since I missed all those crucial years of high school and have such a limited social life. I know she means well and only wants to help, but it's really frustrating. (If she breaks into tears at another diaper commercial, because she really wants grandchildren from me......I'm going to lose it!!!)

[/quote]

TraderTif, I am probably less than a year younger than you and I get the same type of 'reminders' or 'concern' from my parents. I am heading home to my parents house for Christmas and New Years and I am sure that they will be asking me if I met any girls or if there are any girls I am interested in. I know my mother is probably dying to hear me say yes to that question for once since I really don't have much dating experience at all. I don't think she can fathom why I don't have a girlfriend.


#24

[quote="aborodki, post:10, topic:180642"]
I'm twenty three and i've only been on two dates. It's hard for me to meet people due to my school, the area i live in, and my political views ( i am conservative and i live in DC :o)
QUOTE]

Sure DC is liberal overall, but there are plenty of conservative groups and causes in the city. One of my friends went to a formal conservative function (near Capitol South) recently. I think there were a lot of young professionals there. Eitherway, most schools have liberal and conservative groups/clubs.

[/quote]


#25

Yeah…my friends are worrying too…I got my first kiss at the age of 20…Had one boyfriend, saw someone else but we never made it that far…Though my parents operate on two extremes…1) We were afraid you had closed yourself off too much and 2) We hope you don’t get married for another ten years…

I’m a full time student who works in a restaurant…I don’t have much free time! Haha

Three of my friends are getting married next year, a couple of my friends just got into relationships and another set are half way to engaged…We’re all in our early to mid-twenties…

I just remind myself that, when things are right, they’ll be right. I’ve tried dating a couple more times, but we were never free at the same time…Guess that’s God’s way of saying, not the right time or the right person.

So I’m not too worried…


#26

I'm 28, I've had relationships before, but nothing serious for a long time. I getting stir crazy, lol. When my mom was alive, she would ask me "why don't you have a boyfriend?"

I know my vocation is marriage, religious life and the single life are not options, I know I would be unhappy. I just want my real life to start.


#27

[quote="sanctamaria17, post:25, topic:180642"]
Yeah.....my friends are worrying too....I got my first kiss at the age of 20.

[/quote]

Don't worry, I got you beat there.

[quote="sanctamaria17, post:25, topic:180642"]

Three of my friends are getting married next year, a couple of my friends just got into relationships and another set are half way to engaged.....We're all in our early to mid-twenties....

I just remind myself that, when things are right, they'll be right. I've tried dating a couple more times, but we were never free at the same time.....Guess that's God's way of saying, not the right time or the right person.

So I'm not too worried....

[/quote]

Agreed...that is a great attitude to have. I attended 7 weddings between August and early December of this year.


#28

[quote="VonDerTann, post:13, topic:180642"]

Finally, as to the notion that "God will send someone to us when it's right, etc.," I respond, "it sure helps if we look around for that someone!" There are lots of 45 year olds who are still waiting for Mr./Ms Right, but may not find that person, either because of unreasonable expectations, or because they really never learned "dating 101," etc. - and those things need to be taught by parents, not by friends, society, trashy magazines, etc.

Anyway, I've said my peace. For OP: I respectfully suggest that you gently tell your son, "while you change the world's monetary policy, how about an art museum someday, or music at the local bookstore...or even a Catholic singles function..." (My parents pulled that one on me. I fought going....and then a tall blonde picked me up. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in not too long...).

[/quote]

I'm 24, female, have never dated, nor do I have any desire to do so. I have never had interest in dating, because God is leading me to be single or religious.

If my mother didn't trust God for me, I'd be totally repelled from her. God comes first to me, after all. My mom doesn't treat me like a puppet.

I find that to be an insult to those of us, who aren't rare at all(...22% single women in the US who never marry and 25% single guys.). You fail to consider that some people aren't meant to date and get married. Many people are meant to be religious or lead the single life.

We don't fit into neat little categories. People need to stop trying to decide for us.

I will be praying that this young man find his true vocation without having his mother lead him astray from what may be God's will for him.


#29

Are you sure he is not dating? I will not introduce any guy to my family members unless it is a serious relationship. There's no point in doing so with my family because people get attached to the person, and it is difficult following a break up. I don't really talk about the guys I have gone on a few dates with or am interested in...he could just be uncomfortable with talking about it with his family, especially if he is shy.

My grandma recently sighed in disappointment as she realized that I am turning 30 next year and am not married. I tactfully reminded her that dating is not like it was when she was young, and if one has any sort of morals it is difficult to date, let alone find a spouse. The dating pool is significantly narrowed when you are a practicing Catholic/Christian/etc. He is only 24...there's lots of time!


#30

To the OP:

Part of the problem, too, is that often when a person does desire to find a spouse, he or she is criticized for it, and the constant criticism and “being shot down” does to damage to people, especially when done when a person is trying to come out of his/her “shell”.

Except for the obvious vocations to the ordained/religious life, what is this based upon?


#31

[quote="DihydrogenOxide, post:8, topic:180642"]

Remember, the vocation of single life and religious life, such as that of a religious brother are God's special vocation for people.

Becoming a priest or a married person are not the only options.

The protestant belief system of our society stigmatizes people who are unmarried. Don't back up protestant society. Back him up as a supportive, Catholic mother.

God comes first, always.

[/quote]

There is no separate vocation to "single life". According to the CCC, it is marriage or "virginity for the sake of the kingdom", which is further clarified as priestly ministry and consecrated life.

And according to the CCC, marriage is the vocation that is instilled in our nature.


#32

[quote="Norseman82, post:31, topic:180642"]
There is no separate vocation to "single life". According to the CCC, it is marriage or "virginity for the sake of the kingdom", which is further clarified as priestly ministry and consecrated life.

And according to the CCC, marriage is the vocation that is instilled in our nature.

Except for the obvious vocations to the ordained/religious life, what is this based upon?

[/quote]

You obviously haven't read on the single life in the Catechism. I'll post it here. All are called to a religious life, be it laity or consecrated religious. Man is a religious being. The single life is an acceptable vocation of the Church.

1618 Christ is the center of all Christian life. The bond with him takes precedence over all other bonds, familial or social.113 From the very beginning of the Church there have been men and women who have renounced the great good of marriage to follow the Lamb wherever he goes, to be intent on the things of the Lord, to seek to please him, and to go out to meet the Bridegroom who is coming.114 Christ himself has invited certain persons to follow him in this way of life, of which he remains the model:

"For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it."115

1619 Virginity for the sake of the kingdom of heaven is an unfolding of baptismal grace, a powerful sign of the supremacy of the bond with Christ and of the ardent expectation of his return, a sign which also recalls that marriage is a reality of this present age which is passing away.116

1620 Both the sacrament of Matrimony and virginity for the Kingdom of God come from the Lord himself. It is he who gives them meaning and grants them the grace which is indispensable for living them out in conformity with his will.117 Esteem of virginity for the sake of the kingdom*118 *and the Christian understanding of marriage are inseparable, and they reinforce each other:

Whoever denigrates marriage also diminishes the glory of virginity. Whoever praises it makes virginity more admirable and resplendent. What appears good only in comparison with evil would not be truly good. The most excellent good is something even better than what is admitted to be good.119

1658 We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live - often not of their choosing - are especially close to Jesus' heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. The doors of homes, the "domestic churches," and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. "No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who 'labor and are heavy laden.'"

2232 Family ties are important but not absolute. Just as the child grows to maturity and human and spiritual autonomy, so his unique vocation which comes from God asserts itself more clearly and forcefully. Parents should respect this call and encourage their children to follow it. They must be convinced that the first vocation of the Christian is to follow Jesus: "He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

2349 "People should cultivate [chastity] in the way that is suited to their state of life. Some profess virginity or consecrated celibacy which enables them to give themselves to God alone with an undivided heart in a remarkable manner. Others live in the way prescribed for all by the moral law, whether they are married or single." Married people are called to live conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence:

There are three forms of the virtue of chastity: the first is that of spouses, the second that of widows, and the third that of virgins. We do not praise any one of them to the exclusion of the others. . . . This is what makes for the richness of the discipline of the Church.


#33

[quote="Norseman82, post:31, topic:180642"]
There is no separate vocation to "single life". According to the CCC, it is marriage or "virginity for the sake of the kingdom", which is further clarified as priestly ministry and consecrated life.

And according to the CCC, marriage is the vocation that is instilled in our nature.

[/quote]

Virginity for the sake of the kingdom is not only that of consecrated life.

Question: Are you a protestant convert? Your views seem like those of a protestant.


#34

[quote="DihydrogenOxide, post:33, topic:180642"]
Virginity for the sake of the kingdom is not only that of consecrated life.

Question: Are you a protestant convert? Your views seem like those of a protestant.

[/quote]

First, CCC 2233 does in fact clarify "virginity for the sake of the kingdom" as consecrated life/priestly ministry.

Second, state of life does not always = vocation. Many people find themselves single because they are having a hard time finding a compatible Catholic spouse, which is one reason why I am so opposed to people trying to promote singleness outside of ordination/religious/consecrated life as a vocation, since it reduces the number of available people in the pool of "potential spouses".

Third, I am a cradle Catholic, seminary educated, did discern, and have had to defend the faith against myriads of anti-Catholics.

Fourth, there is a saying that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. In other words, sometimes the protestants and Catholics are in agreement.


#35

But it may also mean that the person gets a compatible spouse rather than one, who knowing that marriage is not for them, gets convinced that this is not so or should not be so.


#36

[quote="Norseman82, post:34, topic:180642"]
First, CCC 2233 does in fact clarify "virginity for the sake of the kingdom" as consecrated life/priestly ministry.

Second, state of life does not always = vocation. Many people find themselves single because they are having a hard time finding a compatible Catholic spouse, which is one reason why I am so opposed to people trying to promote singleness outside of ordination/religious/consecrated life as a vocation, since it reduces the number of available people in the pool of "potential spouses".

Third, I am a cradle Catholic, seminary educated, did discern, and have had to defend the faith against myriads of anti-Catholics.

Fourth, there is a saying that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. In other words, sometimes the protestants and Catholics are in agreement.

[/quote]

I disagree completely. State of life can be a vocation. Vocation is a call of God to do God's will. If you're discerning God's will, and carrying it out then you are doing what God called you to do.

Obviously you did not read my previous post. I suggest you read it.

As for 2233, I can look it up also. Here it is:

2233 Becoming a disciple of Jesus means accepting the invitation to belong to God's family, to live in conformity with His way of life: "For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother."
Parents should welcome and respect with joy and thanksgiving the Lord's call to one of their children to follow him in virginity for the sake of the Kingdom in the consecrated life or in priestly ministry.

It does not say that becoming a consecrated person or priest is required of those giving up their virginity to God. Maybe re-read my quotes: 1620, 1648, and 2349. Notice or in 2349.

As far as being seminary trained, that does not matter, as many seminaries have corrupted and there are only a few who have not.

Some protestants may be in agreement, but your agreement is a concession to protestant belief system.


#37

Fortunately, I think my mom has given up. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome last year it pretty much nipped that discussion

Being an "Aspie" doesn't automatically mean you have no hope of marrying or that you should not have children. Yes, it might make finding a spouse more difficult -- most likely you will end up with either another Aspie (I think I did, although he was never formally diagnosed, and neither was I) or a very patient and tolerant "neurotypical." And there is a higher than usual chance that your children will also be on the autism spectrum (my daughter is). Moreover, some Aspies prefer being alone to socializing and they may simply have no desire to marry or have children.

However, many Aspies do marry, have "NT" ("normal") children and I personally see nothing wrong, diseased or "defective" about being Aspie, as long as you are aware that your way of thinking may not be the same as everyone else's.

Although no one specifically addressed this, I suspect the original poster's question "should I worry?" really meant "should I worry that my son might be gay?" I would say she should not. There are many other reasons why a young man might not be dating or even be interested in dating.


#38

[quote="Secret_Square, post:37, topic:180642"]
Fortunately, I think my mom has given up. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome last year it pretty much nipped that discussion

Being an "Aspie" doesn't automatically mean you have no hope of marrying or that you should not have children. Yes, it might make finding a spouse more difficult -- most likely you will end up with either another Aspie (I think I did, although he was never formally diagnosed, and neither was I) or a very patient and tolerant "neurotypical." And there is a higher than usual chance that your children will also be on the autism spectrum (my daughter is). Moreover, some Aspies prefer being alone to socializing and they may simply have no desire to marry or have children.

However, many Aspies do marry, have "NT" ("normal") children and I personally see nothing wrong, diseased or "defective" about being Aspie, as long as you are aware that your way of thinking may not be the same as everyone else's.

Although no one specifically addressed this, I suspect the original poster's question "should I worry?" really meant "should I worry that my son might be gay?" I would say she should not. There are many other reasons why a young man might not be dating or even be interested in dating.

[/quote]

It's not impossible, but it's not something I waste energy hoping for when the odds are so stacked against it. If it happens, it happens. Basically, the only (sort of) viable way would be to get put in a group setting with a female on a regular basis. Since the only group activities I participate in only seem to attract other guys, I just don't see it happening barring a miracle.


#39

[quote="DihydrogenOxide, post:36, topic:180642"]
I disagree completely. State of life can be a vocation. Vocation is a call of God to do God's will. If you're discerning God's will, and carrying it out then you are doing what God called you to do.

Obviously you did not read my previous post. I suggest you read it.

As for 2233, I can look it up also. Here it is:

It does not say that becoming a consecrated person or priest is required of those giving up their virginity to God. Maybe re-read my quotes: 1620, 1648, and 2349. Notice or in 2349.

As far as being seminary trained, that does not matter, as many seminaries have corrupted and there are only a few who have not.

Some protestants may be in agreement, but your agreement is a concession to protestant belief system.

[/quote]

And your theological background and training is??????


#40

Dear OP: I'm a 38-year-old married mother-of-two. I NEVER dated AT ALL until, aged 28 I met my husband, who also had never been in a relationship before! We were both firm believers in staying virgins until our wedding-night (which I'm pleased to say we managed to do, we married in 2001)and that narrowed the field for relationships (ie it scared a lot of people off!) So...24 is YOUNG, don't worry!


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