Young Adults and Living at Home


#1

Hello all and good morning!

I just wanted to get a general concensus on what others believe about a young adult living at home with one’s parents/family.

Personally; I am soon to be 20, not in school, working full time and piling most of my money that I earn in the bank for when I hopefully will be ready for marriage in the future. I live at home with my family/eat dinners/go to mass together, etc… I love being with my family!!! Many people call me independent and industrious. I am Mr Fixit, and my mother has told me I “pay my rent” fully with all the work I do around the house and garage (I was an auto mechanic for a year and a half, so I have done many costly repairs on my parents vehicles for free)

The reason I have for some uneasiness is from what I see around me. About half of my peers seem to be living out of the house, with a mixture being in school/ work.

Im just wondering if one living at home until they are married is proper, or else?? Personal experiences/advice appreciated:thumbsup:


#2

There is no right answer. It seems like you have a wonderful relationship with your family and you appear to be level-headed. After I returned home from graduate school, I lived at home for six months. I landed a really great job and eventually got an apartment and moved it out. The apartment was very close to my parents house and I was home very often. My job moved me out of the state after six months or so. I think having the apartment helped make that transition a lot easier.


#3

I left home at 21 when I got married, and if I hadn't my mom's plan was to keep me at home for several years. She does NOT like the idea of her children growing up and leaving the nest at all. My brother is 20 and still at home, and probably will until stay there for several years after college. Personally, I probably would have left home as soon as I got a job after college graduation if I hadn't gotten married. I love my family, but I was ready to be on my own.
It is not uncommon now for children to continue living with their parents while they are still in college and for a short time afterwards. It allows them save up the money they will need to start a life on their own. However, I worry about people who live with their parents many years after they are fully capable of living on their own. It makes me wonder whether they are afraid of the real world. I know several people who are still living at home at the ages of 25, 27, and 31. :eek: They are spending their whole lives tied to mom and dad! It scares me how common it is.
Also, as a woman, I would not want to date or marry someone who still lived with his parents. I would worry about his maturity and whether he knew what it really took to take care of a house and a family. If we married, I would just be taking over all the responsibilities his mom did for him and he might not fully appreciate everything I would do for him.
You are still 19, though, so there is no reason for you to worry yet! And, if you are stockpiling your money in preperation for starting a new life on your own in a fews years, you are staying at home for all the right reasons.


#4

I think it really depends on the family situation. As long as its a mutually agreeable situation, and one party isn't taking advantage of the other party it is a great tradition.

My son will continue living with us through college at least. But I don't do his laundry, or give him spending money. He is expected to help around the house and yard and contribute to the food budget by picking up essentials in the middle of the week as needed. Also, in our house you either work or go to school, there are no other options really.

Living at home until marriage used to be the norm. It didn't seem to hurt development of those generations. Its about having mutual respect, and boundaries. I think if you and your family are getting along, then its a great way to save up!


#5

Ihave tow adult children still at home. One is 28 the other 25. In our area housing is extreamly expensive and they would have to spend all their paychecks on an apartment, utilities, etc, even with a roommate. I dont mind them staying at home as long as they pull their weight. I don't ask for money from them but they help out and occasionaly buy food.


#6

In most instances the main reason young adults live with their parents is financial. It is sad that money is the biggest factor but the reality in which we lived.

Personally, I would be very turned off by a man over 25 who still lived with his parents. I would think he really does not understand what it takes to run a household. No matter how much he tells me 'I do all my laundry' in the back of my mind I would always be thinking his mom probably checks in the cupboard once a week to see how much detergent is left and buys more as needed. This man probably thinks laundry soap appears out of the blue and makes its way into the cupboard'

I also would be thinking: 'How can a single man who can not afford his own appartment ever be able to keep me at home with my children'

Just my perspective.

CM


#7

[quote="JeraldW, post:1, topic:215602"]
Hello all and good morning!

I just wanted to get a general concensus on what others believe about a young adult living at home with one's parents/family.

Personally; I am soon to be 20, not in school, working full time and piling most of my money that I earn in the bank for when I hopefully will be ready for marriage in the future. I live at home with my family/eat dinners/go to mass together, etc... I love being with my family!!! Many people call me independent and industrious. I am Mr Fixit, and my mother has told me I "pay my rent" fully with all the work I do around the house and garage (I was an auto mechanic for a year and a half, so I have done many costly repairs on my parents vehicles for free)

The reason I have for some uneasiness is from what I see around me. About half of my peers seem to be living out of the house, with a mixture being in school/ work.

Im just wondering if one living at home until they are married is proper, or else?? Personal experiences/advice appreciated:thumbsup:

[/quote]

This has been the norm for centuries. There is nothing wrong with it. It is quite smart.

It would be immoral to do what so many young people do today-- which is to live wasteful lives doing nothing and mooching off parents. It is immoral of parents to indulge their children and create spoiled brats who play video games all day, contribute nothing, and have no ambition. There are plenty of these situations out there.

Your situation is not one of those where parents are over indulging and/or children are being slothful.

So, live your life the way you and your family see fit and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.


#8

Well…
After highschool, I lived at home and went to a University about 45 minutes away. I honestly was petrified of dorming because I had anxiety issues and was afraid of having a panic attack in front of a roommate. A year later I realized I couldn’t just let my fears paralyze me especially since I couldn’t hid out at my parents’ forever. As such, I finally sought professional help and confronted my dorming fear. Eventually I decided to transfer to Franciscan University which meant living in a completely separate state from my parents’. After I graduated, I came home for awhile and eventually moved for a job opportunity near where my grandma lived. I thus moved in with Grandma, but I didn’t stay over there long and eventually got a job near my parents’. I moved back in with them, though very quickly met up with a young woman who was trying to build a Catholic woman’s house near the University. A parish nearby had an extra rectory that they were renting out to her and her two roommates and I looked into moving in. The problem was all the girls were seniors and were intending to move and they were having difficulties generating enough interest on campus to really kickstart this group. I was willing to do what I could even though I wasn’t a student, but I decided not to risk being caught living in a rectory by myself with rent I couldn’t afford.

I eventually made a friend at daily Mass and considered moving in with her to get out of my parents’ place and to be more independant. I’m glad I decided not to however as I eventually learned that my friend was emotionally and mentally unstable and unreliable in paying her portion of the rent.

I always paid rent at my parents. Grandma refused to charge me rent as I think she was lonely and just liked having my company around. My main reason for staying with my parents’ is because I knew to afford an apartment I needed a roommate and I did not want to have to deal with a typical secular roommate who’d probably be into drinking, bringing back boyfriends, etc. I had trouble meeting people I felt I could trust and primarily wanted the company of family.

This did give me the opportunity to save a lot of money before I got married. Both my husband and I came into this marriage with a pretty good nestegg which honestly if we didn’t have, I don’t know how we’d be dealing with his unemployment and my pregnancy. That said, there are definitely developmental benefits that can happen when you truly are on your own. I finally moved out of my parents’ place a few months before my wedding. It was only during that time that I really had to think regularly about grocery shopping, regularly making my own meals, paying a true cost of rent rather than something really small portion my parents’ came up with to say I was paying rent, etc.

Also during my engagement, I came to the realization that my mom was encouraging me and all my adult siblings to live at home because she wasn’t emotionally ready to let us go. I also realized that my sister’s and I’s anxiety issues may have something to do with how controling she is and how she has a tendency to take over things in our life because she’s afraid of allowing us to fail. This has been very hard for me, because I also have come to realize that my mom’s method of helping us with homework as children involved doing too much of the work herself and thus made it a little more difficult for me when I suddenly had to catch up and figure out how to do things on my own in college.

Before my engagement, I was absolutely blind to all these things about my parents’. My parents had no problem with me living at home and I enjoyed their company and overall looked to their own judgment as to whether or not they felt I was mooching off of them. I never was a kid who was just anxiously awaiting getting away from my parents so that I would have the freedom to be irresponsible, drink, stay out late, etc. I never embraced any of that youthful and immoral lifestyle. Granted maybe I just misunderstood and stereotyped all the reasons my peers had for wanting to get away from their parents’.

Had I made the right decisions in the past? Well, they’re decisions I made and in the end I did avoid getting myself into financial problems due to bad roommates. Heck, my husband had moved into a place with some college friends of his and was a bit niave about how safe the neighborhood was. The same random guy knocked him out twice while he was standing at the bus stop. The man didn’t even take his money. We saw an article about him finally being caught months later. He had mental issues and would randomly ask people for their money, hit them and run off without having taken a thing. After the second time, he realized he couldn’t live there anymore and made a deal with his landlord and spent a whole bunch of money to get out of his lease including paying portions of what his roommate’s owed him. One of his roommate’s paid him back. The other roommate even signed a contract saying he’d pay my husband back, but then disappeared.

As such, its hard to say. There are pros and cons to everything. However, eventually you will want to move out regardless of whether or not you get married. We never know when God has those things planned for us. I’d say, give yourself a time limit. Also, if you end up being 30 and have never lived on your own, that can appear to be a bit of a turn off to women. You should have a plan of some sort to get independant from your parents. Doing household chores for your parents and not paying rent is not independence.


#9

May I ask why you're not in school? I'm a big proponent of getting outside of high school education (whether a 4-year college, 2-year college, or a trade's school) so I want to make sure that you've got more than a high school education. If you currently only have a high school education then I would highly recommend that you add going to night-school (or day-school depending on your working hours).

With that said, I think that being the age you are with a goal of saving money, that staying at home is just fine for a while. However, I wouldn't have this living arrangement for much longer (maybe another two years or so). I personally feel that people need to live on their own before getting married. Moving from Mom/Dad's house to a Husband/Wife house means you never get to experience life on your own, which I feel is valuable.

I would also agree with previous posters that I would not find a man attractive if I found out he was still living at home with his parents. I wanted to date a man, and to me a man did not live at home still under the care of Mom and Dad (regardless of how much work he did around the house and how little Mom/Dad did - the fact that he was still at home was enough of a turn-off). So my opinion would be that once you want to start getting serious about finding a wife, start looking into moving out on your own.

Until then....enjoy your family and all that money you're saving!


#10

I have a relative who did what you’re doing until he was over 30…and he owned his own house! He just found he’d rather live at his parents, whose house was walking distance from his job, rather than roll around alone in his house like a marble in a bathtub. He bought the house as an investment and kind of a fixer-upper project, intending to live there when he finished making it livable, but he re-considered and rented it out until he got married. Still, he had friends who did what he did and lived in their own homes, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that, either.

Of my siblings, they knew when it was time to move out. No offense, Mom & Dad, but it is time to be master of my own home. That age can come before college is out, but it can also not ever come for a fully mature man or woman, if the arrangement with the parents is adult and amenable. There are many among those without a vocation to marriage who find this agreeable, even though after their parents cannot live at home any more it becomes very clear that they were always capable of living on their own. As you have found, it is OK to stay home, if that works out for everyone.

Having said that, the fellow I knew who owned his own home but lived with his parents was perfectly happy to keep the existence of his bank and real estate holdings from the women he dated. There is a time when that needs to be divulged, but he didn’t want to be pursued for his money. He was no slacker or mama’s boy, though. His work ethic and maturity was obvious to anyone who knew him. So remember that living at home doesn’t always mean “has to” live at home. Sometimes it is a positively-chosen decision.

My mother-in-law, a widow, has lived with my husband and me for over ten years. We lived with her for a year, too, while our home was being built. I find it sad how few families can figure out how to live under the same roof for so much as a weekend, once the children reach adulthood. Mind you, I’m not so sure I would choose to live with my own mother, but I feel certain I could do it, if I needed to.

Ideally, you have both the ability to support yourself and the ability to live with people who would not be your first choice as roommates, whether or not that is your parents or children. That leaves you with the greatest ability to choose, depending on what God asks you to do.


#11

I think it's entirely appropriate for young adults to live at home until they get married or finish college and even grad school. I left the nest at 16, right after I graduated from high school, and my brothers left at similar ages. I have encouraged my son (he's only 12) to stay home until he has a bachelor's degree. If he wants to live in the dorms at college, that's fine, but I want him to be able to concentrate on his schooling and not on having to pay the bills.

In your situation, I also think it's completely appropriate. It sounds like you're giving your mom a lot of help and it's beneficial for everyone.

God bless,
-MM-


#12

I think this is a highly individual thing.

One of our daughters was very independent (went to a large university in another state, then moved in with a friend in the same city where her fiance was in grad school.) She loved being at home with us when she visited, and loved for us to visit her, but she is just an independent sort. Her younger sister went to college 2 hours from here and hated every minute, moving home her sophomore year, where she lived until her wedding a year after graduation. She is a homebody, and that's great, too.

It sounds as if you have a wonderful, respectful and mature relationship with your parents, you pull your weight by fixing things around the house, are resourceful, and you all seem happy. I don't see any problem at all.


#13

I think it can show a lack of responsibility and a fear of Independence.

I'm 30, and of course I know people who live their parents, sadly ,at my age, I call them, for the most part, losers. If it even needs to be said, there are exceptions (health concerns, divorce, life transitions), but for the most part- grow up, cut the cord, and live your own life.

I left home at 18 (I had a very privileged upbringing, was spoiled rotten, and have a great relationship with my parents then then as I do today) and didn't go back, except for holidays here and there. I had too work two jobs, bust my butt, and cut back on stuff I wanted, but the Independence was totally worth it. There is a special feeling when you flick on the ball game and smoke a cigar without having to worry about whether you'll bother mommy and daddy.


#14

[quote="EasterJoy, post:10, topic:215602"]

I find it sad how few families can figure out how to live under the same roof for so much as a weekend, once the children reach adulthood. .

[/quote]

I TOATALLY agree it is sad yet a very real fact. I love being able to make my own schedule and choose when to have my own supper. My mother does not like people who show up late to the dinner table. She wants her dishes done by 7pm and no one in the kitchen. She would not be able to live with me making my supper at 8pm even if I did a perfect job cleaning up after. On the one hand, I think it is her control issue. On the other hand, this is the home she and my father built as a married couple. I respect she has the right to make any rule she wants

So... yes it is sad we can no longer live together, yet the reality

CM


#15

After I graduated from high school at 17, I went to College about 6 hours away from where my parents lived. I usually came home for Christmas break and Summers (where I worked to save money for school), but the rest of my breaks were usually spent staying at school studying or going home with my boyfriend to see his family. There was also the occasional trip with friends. My boyfriend asked me to me marry him before we graduated, and we set a date for 4 months after graduation. He was going to be starting grad school that fall, so when I graduated college I found a job in the same city as his grad school, living with a friend of ours until I got an apartment on my own, he moved in after we got married.
He spent that summer living with his mom and working for the same place he had the last few summers in college because he made more money there and we were saving up for our wedding.

We just celebrated 10 years of marriage, have four children, and our own home. So I guess you could say I stopped living with my parents when I was 17 and went to college (except for summers).

I suppose it’s money thing :o, but I remember being in high school - everyone couldn’t wait until they moved into the dorms. It seems now everyone wants to live at home instead of dorms.

I do know an acquaintance who just moved out of her parents house this past July, at the age of 32:eek:. She is single.


#16

It might be interesting to note that in Malta, where every family seems to have a priest, most of the priests (including one of the bishops) lives with their parents.


#17

Remember, Jesus lived at home with his Mom until He was 30.


closed #18

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.