I am having an extremely difficult time cutting off quite erhm, un-chaste activities. I’ve been struggling with this for the past year and a half to two years. And yes, I’m a woman. I keep looking for pointers and help/advice about this, but every where I look all I find are men with this issue. This is, unfortunately, a situation with a ‘partner in crime’ =(… but I was wondering if there are any other GIRLS out there having the same issue, or women who have overcome this? Any advice would be SOOO helpful, I’m beginning to feel like I’m never going to be able to turn myself around again… because I just want so much to wait until I get married, but it seems so hard when you get in a situation and the hormones get working… you really stop thinking rationally…
Have you tried praying to the Holy Spirit for strength before things get to that point? I would just suggest prayer, prayer, and lots of prayer. If I were you that is how I would deal with it (but then again, I’m not in your shoes, just trying to offer some help).
DH and I managed to remain virgins until marriage (after 5 years of dating and 2 years of engagement), and I think the 2 biggest motivators were: (1) fear of pregnancy, and that would not be good, since we weren’t married yet, and (2) we didn’t spend “alone” time in secluded places, so we were less likely to get ourselves into a position that led to too much intimacy.
Maybe that last one, especially, could help you.
wear d miraculous medal, go to mass, etc. it’s good that youre trying to change. ask help also frm ur guardian angel.
Look at the people in your life and get rid of friends and relationships that drag you down, that are negative, that belittle your dignity as a woman, that objectify you. Look at your activities and get rid of situations that pose temptations and that put you with people who glorify the things you are trying to avoid. Fill your time with worthier pursuits, beginning with daily prayer and frequent reception of the sacraments. Wear a scapular and pray the rosary daily, and carry it on your person. It is much harder to commit sins of this type when wearing it (which is why we as teenagers took it off, to our detriment).
Avoid the near occassion of sin – don’t allow yourself to be alone, whether with your ‘partner in crime’ or with yourself as much as possible. Find other fun, enjoyable activities to do around other people and get in the habit and rhythm of this new ‘schedule,’ so to speak. Don’t let these unchaste activities become the habit.
Also, pray to the Blessed Mother! Pray that she will help you to follow in her guidance and example – as a pure, chaste, devoted woman of good faith.
I was just married and my hubby and I also waited until we were married to make love. That doesn’t mean we weren’t tempted – quite the contrary! I am not sure whether your ‘partner in crime’ is your boyfriend or how serious things are, but consider what it is you’re doing when you give into the temptations and that sex outside of marriage (even if it’s not full-blown sex but mutual masturbation or other things) is not loving and unitive, but lustful and focused on sexual pleasure. Respect each other and try to do, out of love for each other, what is best for each other It may be a continued struggle but KEEP STRUGGLING against it! My prayers are with you.
Been there. My husband and I were involved in unchaste activities before we married. I am glad we never actually had intercourse because we are soooo thankful that we waited for that.
Does your partner feel the same way you do about this situation? It took a while for my husband to catch on that what we were doing was damaging our relationship and he is the one who capped it off. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him on this one. If he loves you he will do his best to protect your soul and your heart. This has to be a team effort, you both need to be there for the other when one is feeling weak. If he is not on board with leading a chaste relationship then maybe you should move on.
Is your ‘partner in crime’ Catholic as well? I suggest you both sit down (a few persons apart from each other!) and watch some Christopher West tapes.
Speak to your partner (on the phone!) and voice your concerns with him. Chances are he is really quite nervous himself, and hesitant to go any further than what you two have been doing.
I recommend spending some time in prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and trying your best to go to mass daily. I don’t need to ask God where I’d be if I didn’t!
A prayer for you,
(Note: Everything in brackets is merely a suggestion…And a form of hyperbole.)
Frequent confession!!! Did you know that you receive specific help to overcome the sins you mention in confession? Go every week, really.
Try to identify those situations where “the hormones start pumping” and AVOID THEM COMPLETELY. If you struggle when you’re alone with your ‘partner in crime’, then ENSURE you won’t be alone. If you are tempted to look things up on the internet that you shouldn’t, DISCONNECT your computer from the 'net. If you have trouble when there is a bed in the room, stay out of those rooms! Sleep on the floor if you have to! (I know a guy who actually did this! ) Think of it like trying to recover from a nasty cold: you get extra rest, wash your hands more often, eat more healthy foods, etc. Whereas most people would be fine with average sleep, average food, and normal cleanliness, you need to be more careful, and take better care of yourself to get healthy again. And pray, pray, pray! Make yourself accountable to someone you trust. Have them call you and ask you how you’ve been for sexual temptation every day.
I am a woman, and I struggled with something similar to this myself. I have since almost completely kicked it, thanks to many, many graces from God. Now, whenever an inappropriate image pops into my mind, I find it really helps to say a few Hail Marys mentally, until it goes away.
Good luck, and God bless!
Oh man, this is SO my problem!
The worst part about it - and I am so ashamed to admit this kind of thing - is that I actually feel physically and emotionally tense when I’m abstaining. I get such a physical release from sex it is really hard to stay away from it. Yet I know that this behavior is not going to get me any closer to finding a husband who will love me. I even feel a bit of anger and jealousy towards wives who are constantly denying their husbands. Like, lets swap problems!
And all the information out there is directed towards men.
The only resource I’ve found helpful is Dawn Eden’s “Thrill of the Chaste”.
“The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West is a GREAT resource as well.
I will add to everyone else’s insightful posts…to hang around like minded people…who are chaste. Possibly join a chastity ministry where the point is to be in a social group of young people for chastity…and purity. That might safe guard you against temptations…not guarantee it…that is between you and God–but I think that this would help you to stay on the right track. God bless you.
Thank you all so much for your advice ^-^. And yes he is my boyfriend of 3 years…which makes it more difficult than ever because we’ve gotten so close and want to get married. So basically, we’re emotionally ready to get married, but for other reasons we probably won’t be able to get married for another 2 years.
No, he’s not catholic, which does make it harder for him to see that what we’re doing isn’t right. I usually end up crying afterwards and he will try to ‘justify’ it to make me feel better, saying “well at least we’re not having sex”. But, if nothing else, he hates messing up because he knows i’m going to get so upset afterwards and he doesn’t want to hurt me. He is planning to become catholic, but he doesn’t really know a whole lot about it you know.
He used to go to mass with me every sunday, which helped a bit, but his new job won’t let him do that.
I was thinking about getting some statues to put around my house, cause I don’t have any religious statues or pictures or anything. I was thinking if I look over and see a little reminder or something, it’ll help me to stop.
And the other thing that’s really bothering me is that I want to get married to him, but i don’t feel like I should be allowed to now. I feel like I already messed everything up and I don’t deserve to get married anymore. If I do end up getting married to him, I definately won’t untill I kill this because I feel like if I can’t control myself outside of marriage I’m not going to be able to do any better inisde marriage, and it’s not like you just have no more rules when you get married.
You need to trust your instincts. Placing pictures and statues around the room is not going magically make these feelings disappear. If he loves you he will first and foremost “respect” you. As for his new job won’t let him go to church, please explain. Mass is everyday, depending on the town, 2 on Saturdays, and several on Sundays. Also there is a law somewhere on the books that says an employer cannot deny him time to worship. Ok, that excuse is gone.
Why do think you shouldn’t be “allowed” to get married now? If you are under 20, forget it. It’s curiousity at this point. Become a woman before you become a wife. If you feel miserable after a close call, there is a reason…look within. You have been dating for 3 years. Do you have a ring and a date? Has he proposed?
If he’s planning to become Catholic, there’s no better time than now. Trust me – I began my conversion process almost 2 years ago. Find out when your parish begins its RCIA program (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) or where the nearest program is, and encourage him to get enrolled (mine started in Sept. and went to April, and we were all confirmed into the Church on the Easter Vigil). Go to the classes with him (usually one evening a week)… maybe even be his sponsor. My fiance (boyfriend at the time) was mine, and even though he’s been a Catholic all his life he learned new things and found it to be a great experience. You will both learn so much and grow closer through it!
I encourage you both to attend more masses during the week together. Pray together if he is open to it – if he’s a little squeamish, approach it gently. Even just a Hail Mary when you are both together and feeling tempted. Spend time before the Blessed Sacrament if your parish has Adoration… that alone is so powerful. A few minutes out of your day together sitting there and praying a bit will help.
Remember, if you do have a vocation to each other as husband and wife, to truly love each other means to want the BEST for each other. And the best for each other is HEAVEN. What can get any better than that? Remember your beloved constantly in your actions – are you helping him get to Heaven this way? Perhaps you could share this thought with him… it really helped me when we were struggling with temptations before marriage.
Sorry to be so long-winded, but lastly, if you have not heard of Father Corapi, now’s the time! His messages have had an incredible impact on my life and his words, along with the presence of the Eucharist, are solely responsible for my conversion. He has some amazing CDs on purity that would be wonderful for you to hear. You should read his story (he has only been a priest for a short number of years and was something entirely different and contrary for most of his life)… incredibly transformative!
This is some excellent advice. I second the recommendation on Father Corapi. I listened to his CD on Confession, and it has a section on chastity. I admire your courage for posting this. A lot of women, myself included, struggle with this temptation. Frequent confession really does help.
I have learned that I need to be clear upfront on what my boundaries are, and not let things progress too far, otherwise the temptation just becomes greater. Praying the rosary really helps. And when you sit down and really think about it, a few minutes of pleasure, is not worth committing a mortal sin!
I do think it is a good idea to wear a crucifix because it will serve as a good reminder to follow God
s will when the hormones start kicking in. Also, seeing a religious statue, or hanging a cross in your bedroom, can also help you battle temptation. This may sound weird, but if you remember God is watching you, you are more likely to really think about what you are doing.
I think it also helps to avoid alcohol on dates. A little wine can go along way in clouding a person`s judgement!!
I said that he was going to mass with ME on sundays. The only times I can go to mass on the weekend is either 7 or 9 am on sunday which he usually cannot make because of his work schedule. As for him going by himself, he’s intimidated by going alone and I’m not going to order him to go by himself when it was his idea in the first place to go with me.
And no, we are not engaged and there is no date. It doesn’t make it any less serious. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been proposed to any earlier than right now anyway because, frankly, I don’t believe that any one should be thinking about marriage if they’ve been dating for less than two or two and a half years, you just don’t know eachother well enough.
What I said about feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to get married now had nothing to do with how old I am or how long we’ve been dating. I feel like I’ve dirtied myself…How you wear a white wedding dress to signify your chastity…I feel like I’d have to walk down the isle with a gray dress instead.
Thank you again for all your replies
Yes, he is planning on going to RCIA, but the next program doesn’t start untill this fall.
It gives me a lot more hope seeing how many woman have gone through this already and conquered it. Hopefully I’ll be next in line.
One of the biggest pushers for me to change is my mother =/. I can’t imagine how dissappointed she would be in me. I was raised in a very religious family, and I hate to admit that I’m wrong, but everything my parents have ever said about me was right.
Great advice from all …one tad bit to add: Write out all the negative after affects of again engaging in pre-marital sexual activity – guilt, anger, sadness, disappointment, sense of failure, lack of discipline, distance from God, mixed feelings about bf and your relationship, emotional and spiritual hangover, having to go to confession before receiving the Eucharist, not being a credible witness to your faith, … – then slowly, thoughtfully read and put yourself in that place, before giving yourself over to the near occasion of or actual sin of fornication. You can also create a list of all the positive after affects of resisting and refraining from engaging in pre-marital sex. An added strategy is for you and your bf to commit to first praying together and inviting God to be with you once you feel compelled to get physically intimate with one another.